How did this happen? When did we start celebrating the holidays more often than we used to? I am still munching on leftover candy corn from Halloween, for Pete's sake. (And I won't stop until it's gone, either. That's the least I can do for those starving kids in Asia.)
Yeah, yeah, I know..."Thanksgiving is supposed to be a special day set aside to give thanks for all our many blessings". Blah, blah, blah. Let's be honest...Thanksgiving is SO much more complicated than just giving thanks.
To be clear, it's not all the cooking and meal preparation that bothers me. I can cook a big ass frozen turkey and dinner for 12 with my eyes closed. What truly bothers me is that in reality, Thanksgiving is a day set aside for sinning.
The sin is gluttony. Every single year I push my engorged belly away from the table after a satisfying Turkey Day feast, only to belatedly realize, yet again, that if gluttony is a sin...and a sin is a sin...I just wasted a sin on gluttony when I coulda been sinning with Robert Redford.
Instead of beautiful memories to warm me in my old age, I have five more pounds to squeeze into Spanx for the upcoming Christmas parties.
And it's not just the sinning that makes me dread Thanksgiving. It's also the sudden realization that Freaking Merry Christmas is just right around the corner. Yea, verily, has already begun.
I know it's wrong for me to look upon Thanksgiving as little more than a warm-up for Christmas, but I do. To me, it is the pre-game meal designed to get me through the marathon of Christmas shopping. And if I was smart...I would load my Thanksgiving plate with proper portions of ham and turkey to provide me with the essential nutrients of muscle-building protein to fight the good fight against the frantic mobs of Christmas shoppers. If I was disciplined...I would eat only the complex carbs to give me endurance and enhance my cognition. And most importantly...I wouldn't gorge.
Well. I think we have established by now that I am neither smart nor disciplined. And I am obviously a gorger. Not only do I eat all the wrong stuff...I eat everything on the menu. Even worse, every single year I make the mistake of combining the turkey and ham with the dressing and mashed potatoes, thereby releasing buckets of coma-inducing Tryptophan into my feeble, undisciplined brain.
I have a theory about Tryptophan. I believe Tryptophan is the reason holiday shoppers trample each other to death on Black Friday. I believe Tryptophan is the reason I spend too much money on too many people buying them too many things they really don't need. Tryptophan is the very reason that, as a child, the day after Thanksgiving I would sit upon Santa's lap and waste my One Christmas Wish on something as worthless as a Magic Eight Ball.
Tryptophan makes me stupid, and basically sabotages Christmas. Every single year.
But not this year. 2011 is gonna be different. This year, I have A Plan. This year I will be sure to get all my Christmas shopping done BEFORE Thanksgiving. It's a beautiful plan. I have made my list, I have checked it twice, and I'm proud to say it is comprised of only the most practical and useful gifts imaginable with some...uh, suggestions from my grandbabies.
These are a few of my favorite things on the list:
(1) A Panasonic Nose Hair Trimmer with Rubberized Non-Slip Grip...
...for the Dickman. Because his 3-year old grandson looked up at him the other day and said, "G-Dad, why do you have spiders in both your noses?"*******************************************************
(2) My G-girl is responsible for this next gift. Not long ago, I was walking with Mandie Lee, when she turned to look me up and down and said, "Gee, MiMi...you are big!" I smiled at her and said, "Yes, I am. I'm a tall girl - much taller than your Mama". "Yeah, you're REALLY tall." she said. "Cause Daddy told me not tell people they're fat."
A Mexican Tapeworm. Guaranteed to help you lose 2 pounds a week, whilst eating all your favorite foods. Then, when you finally reach your Mandie-Lee approved target goal, you simply take an antibiotic to kill the worm and poop it out. What could be easier?
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(3)
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(4) This next gift I'm really proud of, and I truly believe it will be the Dickman's favorite. It's not that I'm lazy...
(Okay, so I am a Lazy Gluttonous Woman With Lust For Robert Redford In My Heart.) But this gift should give me all the redemption points I will ever need...
Take that, you Tryptophan....AND A HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL MY FAVORITE TURKEYS ♥
But never fear, only a week after freakin Christmas comes freakin new years and the chance to resolve, once again, that next year we will eat less, buy less and procrastinate less!!
ReplyDeleteYou are exactly right, Chef Dave. Thank God for resolutions and the people that break them :o)
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