TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE?

Have you ever noticed that after turning 50, bodily functions become nothing more than a series of science projects?

 

CASE IN POINT: Last Saturday evening I dined like a princess on Prime Rib, baked potato and a side order of ...

 

Fresh Asparagus.

 

I have never been a big fan of asparagus, having been introduced at an impressionable age to slimy stalks of the canned variety with disgusting results.

 

But Saturday night, my waitress encouraged me to take a chance on the “tastiest, freshest asparagus ever!”

 

So, I gave it a whirl.

 

And it was good.

 

I ate every bite.

 

Twenty minutes later, the most amazing smells were coming from my stall in the restaurant loo.

 

At first I was a bit worried. Then I remembered about the high sulphur content of asparagus, one of the chemicals blamed for producing smelly wee.  

 

Curiosity got the better of me and I did a little Googling. (Seriously, were we just a bunch of bumbling idiots before Google?)

 

Please allow me to share what I have learned about Asparagus Pee:

 

Did you know that only 40% of people have the genetic ability to produce funky smelling urine after eating asparagus? According to scientists (who study things like rectal thermometers and bodily fluids), the ability to produce such an odor is genetically controlled.

Even more interesting is the hotly contested debate over whether or not the ability to SMELL the odoriferous effect of asparagus in urine is also at the whim of our genes.

 

Some tinkle experts believe that ALL of us actually experience fragrancy following asparagus ingestion, but not everyone has the ability to smell it.

 

So there it is: if you produce it, you may not smell it and if you can smell it, you may not produce it.

 

Obviously more of our tax dollars need to be spent in solving the all-important Asparagus Pee Controversy (APC). The potential impact this could have on the future of our nation is mind-boggling.

 

What if – instead of Democrats / Republicans / Libertarians / Vegetarians / Progressives / Whigs – what if all of America was divided into two political parties: the SMELLERS and the NON-SMELLERS????

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just imagine...

 

No more partisanship.

 

No more 'Us' versus 'Them'.

 

My rights would be everyone's rights.

 

All Americans would be equally free to exercise their God-given gifts of  forming differing opinions through independent thinking without fear of harassment or denigration.  

 

The thought of such unadulterated freedom makes me giddy.

 

Why, there might even be folks who would feel free to oppose gun control...yet still love Jesus.

 

Or others who were free to disagree with health care reform…without being a heartless swine.

 

What if…what if every American could respectfully claim to be a good citizen whether or not you wish to save the whales or the snail darters?

 

Mind-boggling, indeed.

 

Divided into SMELLERS and NON-SMELLERS, minorities and gays would be afforded the same respect as majorities and straights.  What a concept!

 

No longer would personal beliefs be used as a litmus test for patriotism.

 

It

        would
                         all
                                   come
                                                 down
                                                               to
                                                                         our
                                                                                     DNA.

And left with the choice of a SMELLER or NON-SMELLER, the choice would be crystal clear.

 

SMELLERS win.

 

Every.Single.Time.

 

I mean, seriously.  When it comes to presiding over this great and bountiful nation of ours, why in the world would we choose some schmuck who can't even smell their own stink??