BIRTHDAY TRIALS & APHORISMS

I took a step back from my strawberry birthday cake to admire the silly words I had written in blue squeeze icing.

For the record, I try to never toot my own horn OR decorate my own cake. But this year my birthday happened to fall on Easter, and in our family any holiday is an excuse for a party.

So, when I saw the misspelled word, I had to laugh.

Because, yes indeedy, birfdays can sometimes be a trial. But they are special days that are always worthy of celebration and acknowledgement.

And when all the cards have been re-read and all the guests have gone...it's always good to sit back with a big ol' piece of leftover cake and reflect on the many lessons life has beat into my hard, hard head.

Here's a few of my favorites; okay...more than a few. There are exactly 54, one for each of the more-than-a-few years of my life:

1. JesuslovesmethisIknow.

2. Never go to sleep with chewing gum in your mouth.

3. The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well ~ Alfred Adler

4. You will ALWAYS run into someone you know when you try to sneak into Walgreen’s wearing stained sweats and no makeup.

5. You should never roll down a hill in a cardboard barrel.

6. If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull ~ W.C. Fields

7. When a guy says ‘pull my finger’…don’t do it.

8. A deal's a deal.

9. Don’t cry over anything that can’t cry over you.

10. Time is relative. Sleeping for five minutes after hitting the snooze button goes waaaay faster than sitting for five minutes in the gynecologist’s office with your feet in the stirrups.

11. If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it ~ Linda Furney

12. Hell hath no fury like a mad Mama.

13. If you tell your husband you dented the car then flash your boobs, he won’t get nearly as upset.

14. You really are exactly as happy as you make your mind up to be.

15. It is possible to cram your way through grad school. But not
recommended.

16. Never try to explain the stains on your lab book to someone who has never taken Gross Anatomy.

17. People who were hurt as children need lots more hugs as adults.

18. You can imply a lot with a well-placed ellipsis…

19. Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end ~ Paolo Coelho

20. A mother’s love can’t heal everything.

21. You should never do aerobics in a push-up bra.

22. An hour spent in a hot bath with a good book can change your perspective.

23. Political Correctness is for pussies.

24. Never laugh at a naked man --- unless you’re absolutely SURE he’s trying to be funny.

25. Nothing makes you feel as young as slow dancing in the arms of your high school sweetheart to the music of your youth.

26. There is nothing more humbling than watching the sun set over the ocean.

27. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

28. It's true: when one door closes, another opens. But those hallways sure can be a beeyotch.

29. I’ve found that all people really care about holding onto when they leave this earth is the hand of someone they love.

30. Having grandbabies is like love on crack.

31. Being kind is more important than being right.

32. Don’t mistake religion for spirituality.

33. Never take for granted the wisdom of someone older than you.

34. Family is everything. Friends are next to everything.

35. Whatever doesn’t kill you – or hurt your knees – makes you stronger.

36. Whether things are really good or really bad…they will eventually change.

37. All it takes is all you’ve got.

38. Rest assured that at any given moment in time there will always be
somebody somewhere that does not have their sh*t together, either.

39. Everyone I’ve ever met is better than me at something.

40. Menopause is not for sissies. Or for sissy husbands.

41. I would rather be wise than intelligent.

42. There is nothing more magical than watching your grandbaby fall asleep in your arms.

43. It is sometimes easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

44. Never offer up a defense with an apology.

45. Serenity is an inside job.

46. A stroke patient once taught me the difference between a victim and a survivor. It's all in the attitude.

47. I believe there are angels among us. In fact, mine is big and hairy and smells like Old Spice.

48. Moderation in everything. Especially brussel sprouts.

49. You are tougher than you think.

50. Never trust anybody who thinks they know everything. Or who starts a sentence with "Trust me...".

51. When I’m waiting for a storm to pass you probably won’t find me dancing in the rain. But you will find me standing underneath an umbrella.

52. You teach people how to treat you.

53. It's harder to fly when people keep tugging on your cape.

54. God will always give me what – and who – I need.

And because I hope to never stop learning...here's one to grow on:

55. Every day is a school day. Sometimes I’m the student and sometimes I’m the teacher.