DISTRACTIBLE ME

“Procrastination is my sin.

It brings me naught but sorrow. 

I know that I should stop it. 

In fact, I will---tomorrow."

~ Gloria Pitzer ~

I am married to a man who works twelve to fourteen hours a day. Mostly by choice. The Dickman has more energy than a nuclear reactor. He is the energized hare to my distracted tortoise.

In my defense, I spend at least as much energy in a single day of procrastination as he does in one manic work week. It all evens out.

Through the years, we have managed to develop a workable system of household operation that plays to our unique strengths and weaknesses.  

Since Dickie is able to get dressed with minimal effort, he is in charge of all the 'outside' stuff... chores that require going out amongst the citizens and wearing real clothes. He makes frequent trips to the grocery store to keep us supplied with necessities like toilet paper, milk and chewing tobacco. He brings in the mail and he takes out the trash. He hangs the Christmas lights in the winter and mows the lawn in the summer.  

I get to stay in my pajama pants and do the 'inside' stuff, such as... cooking twice a month and loading the dishwasher whenever dirty dishes overflow from the sink and begin to smell like pond water and / or I run out of sporks.  Whichever comes first.  I am responsible for all the deep housecleaning chores (which I totally forget about until that frantic two hours before guests arrive). I am also The Person In Charge of getting out of bed to investigate Things That Go Bump In The Night. He is in charge of spiders, crickets and rodents. 

Much to my dismay, he does his own laundry.  He does not believe in pre-treating and his sorting skills suck. To his credit, if the bed gets made, he's the one who made it. (I read somewhere---when I was supposed to be doing something else---that an unmade bed is actually a deterrent to bed bugs, as they prefer covered, warm sheets with neatly tucked corners.  It's basic science, Jack.)

I'm the one who takes care of all the birthdays / holidays / gifts / parties / cards / appointments and travel plans. But my biggest responsibility is taking care of all the finances, both home and business. I balance the checkbooks, pay the bills  and do the taxes. I'm not exactly sure how I ended up in charge of something so adult and important as taxes. Taxes require paperwork and paperwork requires organization and organization requires focus.  I don't want to shock anybody here, but the ability to remain focused for long periods of time does not happen to be one of my spiritual gifts.  For reals.  I am worse at focusing than the Dickman is at sorting laundry.

On the other hand, I am a Rock Star at procrastination. Absolute killer. And my gift for procrastination never shines brighter than during tax season.

I know there are many others out there with this gift. Millions of us.  And I think it is about time we gave ourselves a little recognition...  something pretty and shiny to acknowledge our creative achievement in tax procrastination.  I have seriously given this a great deal of thought (when I was supposed to be doing something else) and have even come up with the perfect trophy. What better way to honor a Master Procrastinator than with a Shiny Golden Squirrel to place upon our cluttered shelves?  Genius, is it not?!?

I don't wanna brag or anything, but I really feel that this year should be my year to win the Shiny Squirrel Trophy. Hands down.

I mean, it's not like I've been a slacker in previous years.  I have spent hours diverting my attention with a myriad of worthless distractions which kept me busy doing things that NEVER needed to be done so that I could avoid doing taxes that MUST be done; right up until the very last minute.

Are you picking up what I'm laying down here, folks?  It has taken me years to hone my procrastination skills. While there is always room for improvement, I am proud to say that over the years I have started (but not finished) three children's books and twenty-two blog stories. I have started (but not finished) six photo albums, dating back to 1984. I have started (but not finished) a diamond-quilted tablecloth. I have started (but not finished) Volume I of the Rosetta Stone Spanish CD's. I have started (but not finished) decluttering my cabinets and alphabetizing my spices.

And then there is the World Wide Web. Oy vey! In my hands, a computer is nothing less than a weapon of mass distraction. I can spend hours working on my Pinterest boards... get lost forever reviewing the origin and insertion of piriformis muscles... become thoroughly engrossed while researching the the sex life of the Praying Mantis (SPOILER ALERT: it involves cannibalism, y'all).

I have been distracted by all that and STILL I have managed to get my taxes completed.  At the last minute.  After filing an extension.

This year, instead of doing taxes, I decided to learn the Cup Song from the movie, Pitch Perfect... that catchy little earworm of a tune that has been covered by millions of tween girls on YouTube. 

This particular procrastination project took plenty of practice.  It is a true measure of my hatred for taxes that I actually managed to learn the silly song.  

So now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to humbly present my submission for the 2013 Shiny Squirrel Award. I ask that you would please ignore the middle-aged tempo and intermittent pitchiness, while appreciating the hours of dedicated procrastination that went into the making of this video.  

Oh, and just so you know...  all taxes were completed and postmarked by midnight.  (At the last minute, of course.)

P. S.   I meant to publish this on October 15^th, but I got distracted...